This is the hardest thing I've ever had happen.

A job that never ends

Happiness is truly a job that never ends, atleast in my personal opinion.

Happiness isn't something that comes naturally to everyone as contrary as it may seem. Yes, being happy has a large part to do with the things we let influence us and way we respond to specific instances but the truth of the matter is happiness-chasing can be a tasking thing. Whether it is in your personal or professional life there are always going to be dissatisfying moments. We all get knocked down but the point is how we respond after that. I don't know and I have damn sure yet to master the overwhelming happiness, but I'm trying everyday and that has to count for something.

Building up

I'm not sure if it's the heat, the lack of sleep in the past few days or what... but I'm feeling overwhelmingly emotional. I'm exhausted. Work has been draining the last few days, on both of us. But I can't help but feel like I'm pining for your attention. I'm trying my hardest to give you space to unwind, but I can't help but feel like an option as I wait for you to find time for me. All I've wanted was for us to have dinner or watch a show together. And the more I think about it, the more pathetic I feel. I just can't distinguish from my neediness or a genuine need for company. So I can't tell right now if I'm in the wrong. I feel like shit. I had to leave or burst into tears. And I know that that wouldn't help our situation at all. I'll just hold out and see if a few days and a good nights rest makes it better. I just love you so much, I don't want to think it's your intent to ignore me but I also don't want to encourage that type of behavior if so. I know that I deserve attention and affection, but it's hard right now for me. Waiting and testing what merits too much demand. I think I'm just exhausted and everything is warped in terms of perception. This blog helps. At least it helps me to mediate my thoughts on some level.

I don't know why there is comfort in sadness

It's hard to put my finger on. I don't know why its easy to find some type of comfort in sadness.. It's just one of those things that feels right.

As much as I hate to admit it.. Being sad just feels normal. I guess I've just been feeling that way so much, its become like second nature. I know that there is a flaw in this but I can't seem to move past it.

I'm happy when I'm you. And then I think about it and I remember how we are different and I'm saddened. Saddened for my faults. For our differences. For our broken parts.

And when I'm without you the result is the same. I'm still sad. I feel fraudulent for feigning happiness in front of strangers. Granted, our relationship has grown increasingly complicated over this time and merits no explanation to anyone but us.. But I can't help but feel put off by the idea that I'm in love with a man who cares about me enough but not enough to give me a second chance.

I know that my perception of the situation is probably dramatically warped and unfair to expect an immediate change from you. I fucked up royally but can't help feeling like the punishment will never end.

It's tough to be stuck in your own mind. To feel like you have no one to confide in for sake of judgement, and shame.. Or more accurately fear for lack of explanation. All I know is that being with you makes me both happy and sad.. But happiness outweighs the sad so I'll continue to endure. I just pray for better days to come. I lose my eyes and wait for the pending resolution. Optimistic and naive I'll wait here.. Saddened in love like its normal.

When I'm with you I'm happy. When I'm without you I'm wounded. I'm filled with regret. I wish I never would've broke us. I still wake up and love you everyday. It's hard though because I know I hurt you. I just want us to be okay. And there are days where I feel us slipping into old habits. Old love. And then I remember and it all shatters. I love you so much and I can never apologize enough. You would think by now I'd be used to the discontent.. But it never gets easier. It still stings just the same. I cry often for little things. Maybe I'm weaker than I was. Or maybe I just feel more nowadays.

confession

I'm not very happy with myself. Its hard at times, to be alone because all you have is your mind running and constantly thinking.. However it's not very comforting to be in the company of people either. I only find solace when I'm with you. You make me happy. I still love you.

These last few days have been great, You've started to let your feelings for me show through your anger. It's nice to feel normal again. But I know hard times are looming. I can't even fathom my life with you. I still love you.

How can I live without this?

What do you do when you finally realize that you've gotten to a point where there's no turning back. And that you've given up all the memories that made things worthwhile. How can you live with yourself? Better yet how can I live without this? Sometimes it feels regular. But then I remember how much I miss you and how we used to be. I just know I'm always gonna fall to pieces over you.

The concensus is in

The consensus is in and all opinions put me at fault. Everyone thinks that I was the one who initiated everything. Everyone keeps commenting on how I wasn't into it or how well I cope with break ups. How I seem completely unphased. Oh yeah? You guys know the whole story. I really want to tell everyone to fuck off. But I don't because I operate under an heir of discretion. I maintain as much privacy and professionalism as possible with this because it I don't, if I start to talk about it with anyone on a level I know what will come of it. I will crumple. I will crumple into a thousand pieces and become the weakest and saddest girl I've ever been. Sometimes the best way to play it is to pretend like it doesn't matter. Keep your mouth shut and your poker face strong, while in all actuality you're dying inside.

How am I supposed to feel now?

Some days are better than others. Some days parts feel like nothing is different between us and other days difference is all that I can think about. There used to be so much love here, between us. And now it's all familiar touches and empty space. Its hard knowing that it's over and even harder acting like it's over. We walk the finest line. You're always gonna feel like my boyfriend. I'm always gonna naturally pull toward you. I don't know how I'm only just now remembering our history together. No matter what amounts or dissipates from this one thing is for damn sure, nobody will ever have anything on the connection we have. You know me so well. And I don't know that I'll ever get over the fact that I destroyed that. How am I supposed to feel now that it's over? That this is the end..? I just feel like shit, eventhough I feign indifference. I wonder if it phases you anymore. Probably not. I wouldn't put it past you. You have always deserved better than this. I've always maintained that stance. You've always deserved better than me. To be quite honest, I can't believe you put up with my shit this long. I'm selfish and difficult. Stubborn and thickheaded but all of these things show me just how much you truly love me. Or loved me. You were able to look past all my fault and my past. And honestly, I am scared shitless that nobody else will ever be able to do that. How am I supposed to feel now that I've started to realize that I may have fucked over the one good thing I had?

Milestone

A quarter of a century old today. And instead of celebrating, I'm mourning. Mourning the remains of our relationship. We used to make eachother happy and I broke that. We fell apart and I just feel so broken from everything. I feel like a glass figurine shattered and there are shards of glass everywhere. And I'm just bleeding all over from the damage. I wanted us to work so fucking bad. There was a picture of us in my heart and I just wanted us to get back to where we used to be, but you can't force a block into a pigeon hole. But damn can you blame me for trying? They say 25 is a milestone for your lifetime. I never imagined that this would've been what they meant.

I can't tell if this is what love is supposesed to feel like.. Sickeningly weak for another person. I can't tell if its love or if I'm just weak.

I understand how exhausting it can be to be around people all day. Especially if they are people you don't necessarily feel yourself with. I'm sure that somebody who is severely introverted and opposed to these types of situations would feel significantly more uncomfortable but I would like to think this feeling of discomfort would fade once the situation has been finished. But when it continues to linger even after we've left.. I can't help but feel like I'm a part of the issue. Like I'm a part of your unease. I used to be the one person you were never sick of being around but sometimes it feels like you're punishing me. Its strange though, we don't mind time together and we don't mind space apart. But if I take space apart away from your immediate area I know you aren't happy about it. Its like you're only happy if I'm away but still in arms reach.. And that doesn't seem fair to me in the slightest. Sometimes I don't know how to appease you. Cuz we both know I don't make you very happy sometimes. But boy am I trying. That has to count for something right?

Well, another year has come and gone. And every year is always the same. People start off all gung-ho; committed to being new people. To becoming bigger better versions of themselves. But in the end it's nothing but a half-assed attempt to mask their problems. A fitter body. A better social life. A new hobby. But that's not what I want. I don't want to be any better version of myself. I just want to be who I was. Who I was before everything.

I used to be a really happy person. I was content with myself. Over the years I somehow managed to let myself stray from the path. I started to feel drained and exhausted all the time and I just let life take its toll. I let the ache's and pains of life bleed into my personal life, into our relationship. I started to feel stagnant and bored and I feel like I created bigger issues. I know I have a ton to work on but so do you. And I like things better when I'm working on things with you.

For the past couple months we've been existing in a place of nots and not-nots. We are not "together" but we are also, not not together you know? It's strange. The more time passes the more I realize how much I've always cared about you. How I changed my life to be with you. And while we exist in limbo and there's no real way of knowing what is in the end or the future for us, I'm glad to have this. I'm glad to have this time together. I wish it would've never come to this point for me to learn but they say every experience is a learning one right? Hopefully it's true.

I just know that when we lay in bed at night I feel safe. I know you don't feel for me anymore like you used to but I know on some level I make you quasi-happy. You make me feel special. And when I look at you I remember all the reasons I fell for you back then.

This year I want to get back to the way it was. I wanna be happy again. I wanna be loving and let the pain and anger melt away. I'm tired of feeling tired and heavy with other people's negativity. I want to enjoy all the things that life has to off starting with you. And if that means enjoying the remaining time we have left with a smile then that's what I'll do. Because I don't want to spoil it by looking toward the end and missing the things that are going on now. Because when I feel most put together is when we are together. Now more than ever I realize the absence pushes us apart.

It hurts I'm ways I couldn't imagine. The tears could come so easy if I let it. If I think too much about it they will come and it feels like they won't stop. And then I think of you and all the pain I caused and I feel a tremendous pang of guilt and remorse. I never wanted to hurt you. I never imagined I would do that. I'm so sorry. If anything I want to spend whatever part I can this year mending fences. I don't know if it is even possible but I'm damn sure going to try. If I can make it right I want to. If I can make us right and get us back to the place we were then I will.