pull yourself together

I feel like I'm breaking every rule I've ever aimed to keep. I never wanted to get close to anybody really. For the simple fact that, I've never been good enough to be anybody's anything. So as a means of defending myself against the worst I do everything in my power to keep people at an arms-length. I have this habit of pushing the people I hold dearest away. It is my backwards defense-mechanism. I hate this about myself.

The only way I know how to phrase it is to compare it to the way they talked about it in The Catcher and the Rye. They said: Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody." Maybe if I didn't put it out there nobody could see how much it means.

I'm trying with every fiber in my heart not to sabotage myself like I always do. Maybe it's worth missing you?

close your eyes and pull the blinds

I feel so comfortable now. In this place, with these people here in my life. It's a strange feeling for me. I've always had this extreme lack of faith in people and it has only progressively gotten worse in the past few years. But right now I couldn't imagine life without you guys.