four years, for years

"Is there something wrong?" - "You're damn right there is but we can't talk about it now. No, we can't talk about it now."

the silence is defeaning

“If you ask why I’m not interested in someone, I might say their nose is too big, or they don’t know how to dress, or they’re too thin or too fat or too plain. but the truth is, I only notice those things because of the real reason—that i’m just not feeling anything. but people don’t want to hear that. they always want an explanation. so I have to come up with something concrete even though feelings aren’t like that. if I did meet a guy and I felt happy with him for whatever reason, I wouldn’t give a rat’s ass what he wore or how tall he was or what he did for a living. but when i’m with someone and it just doesn’t feel right, that’s when I start noticing the bad haircut or Chicago accent or unibrow. and it’s true that tomorrow I may go home with someone who you think is totally wrong for me. and the next day I might meet a perfectly nice guy who you think I should feel excited about, but I don’t. but if I do go home with someone, it means for a change, something feels right. for a change, I’m feeling hopeful. I just want to feel happy when i’m with someone.”


I felt happy with you. If only for a moment. Perfect strangers can make you happy. Little things can make you happy. But then the clock strikes twelve and you awake from your dream world and find that everything is different. You keep waiting, thinking to yourself maybe that if you stay real still everything will go back to how it was the night before, the time before.. but it doesn't and then your just there in the silence. And the silence is deafening.

The ugly monster rears its head

Sometimes I step outside the moment and I'm just a by-stander. It feels like I'm watching a movie.. I can see myself on the brink of destruction. I want to hit the breaks but I freak out and lose control and I crash.

It is a scary thing to be so angry. I understand that my personality can be extremely volatile, I rage so hard sometimes it's frightening. Often after the red vision fades from my eyes I cry crystal blue tears and I shake from the monster I am.

the funny thing is

As important as this is, you think it would change everything. The funny thing about that is, that it doesn't change anything; you're still as appealing as you've always been. In fact, you might even been more attractive now since your unattainable.

- This in no way pertains to the obvious pressumptions.

It's a combination of things

Sometimes I wish I could burst into tears and purge my entire body of all the bottled up emotions that I feel.

It's a combination of things that plague my mind.

Written in pen, on a disposable napkin..

I'd like to say I don't think about you anymore.. but I do. The truth is I just don't feel about you anymore. Just because two people are into the same things it by no means makes them compatible for eachother. All I know is that I gave it an honest shot and that has got to count for something. There was a point where I thought maybe I missed it, that it was all my fault but faults lie in both our corners.

Compared to where I was a few months ago, I'm in a better palce. I'll admit I ignored sound advice but it was all in an act of self-preservation. Seeing you one more time showed me everything differently. I'm moving on, I won't be that girl anymore. The only thing that slips me up is I'm scared I'll never find anybody again who posses all the good qualities of yours. But I can succumb to my fears, maybe I will never find anybody like you but I found myself in this. And I know now, I can be better. I'm worth more.

This is the only way I know.

They say a part of growing up is letting go. There is a certain commendabilty that comes with being able to walk away from everything like nothing happened. But growing up to me is being able to talk about and see people that have hurt you, to visit places that hold memories that are painful. I think this is a part of relationships. Sometimes they are messy and difficult to maintain but that's life, sometimes there isn't always a clean break.

I think being able to go through all these things and hold it all together is an art in itself, to be strong enough to fall apart in private. Maybe I will never really learn the secret to having successful relationships, to grow up & walk away. This is the only way I know how to move on, by never really letting it all go.

1/2 truths

“He was not my boyfriend. On the other hand, he wasn’t just a friend either. Instead, our relationship was elastic, stretching between those two extremes depending on who else was around, how much either of us had to drink, and other varying factors. This was exactly what I wanted, as commitments had never really been my thing. And it wasn’t like it was hard, either. The only trick was never giving more than you were willing to lose.”
—
Sarah Dessen

Words of the wise.

"Don't ever tell anybody anything.
If you do, you start missing everybody." pg 214

The moment I put my feelings out in the open,
was the moment everything fell apart.

if only for a moment

There was a moment at work the other night where I got really sad. In the midst of everything I couldn't help but notice all these pretty girls walking in and out. They were all made up and so happy. It made me feel really miserable, because I don't have that. I don't have anywhere to go or anyone to be with. It really made me want to call you, because maybe then I could somehow persuade you that you want this. & then maybe we'd be out & I'd be one of those pretty girls.

have you heard this one before?

So we started talking again, and I hate to admit it but
I was so scared that you wouldn't even respond.
But now that you have I'm even more terrified because I'm
coming to see that you are just like you were in the end, too
self-involved to care. I know I probably shouldn't have even
tried to get back in touch with you, but I wanted to prove to myself that maybe you were just preoccupied then.. when maybe all along you just really didn't care. Your acting like nothing happened.

Nothings changed, I still love you.
Oh, I still love you.
Only slightly, only slightly less than I used to.

chapter 16, page 122.

"Certain things they should stay the way they are. You ought to be able to stick them in one of those big glass cases and just leave them alone. I know that's impossible, but it's too bad anyway."

Sometimes I just wish things didn't change, that people didn't change. Change is the only constant thing in life, and most times it hurts something terrible. It kills me how something can feel so right, and yet in a way they are so wrong.

chapter 13, page 89

"One of my troubles is, I never care too much when I lose something-it used to drive my mother crazy when I was a kid. Some guys spend days looking for something they lost. I never seem to have anything that if I lost it I'd care too much. Maybe that's why I'm partly yellow. It's no excuse though, it really isn't."

It's like I always say, "You can't miss something you never had." Something that was never really yours to begin with. So why do I feel like this? Why do I feel like somethings come & gone away??

Something's very wrong here.

In my dream you were inexcusably rude to everyone but I continued to defend your behavior. & on top of that you were everybody's girl. It's like you were a biligerent drunk and you didn't care or mind for feelings in the slightest.

What disgusts me most isn't your behavior, it is the fact that I still want you.

?

if we cease to feel, does that mean we cease to exsist?

the only way out, is through.

“Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of good luck. Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without these small tests, life would be a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere, safe and comfortable but dull and utterly pointless.”
— Unknown

I always say you've got to go through some stuff to truly appreciate what you have. There is no convient time for death or heart break to arise. There are countless times where we all wish we were immune to pain and suffering. But without these emotions we would just be robotic and unable to appreciate when things are good. Sometimes you can't always win, you just have to make sure that whatever happens it's not in vain.

Not tonight, my love.

"Love is Natural and Real
But not for such as you and I, my love."

Too many deserving people fall between the cracks.
It's just not right. & with each fall I see, I believe less.

Empty Calendars.

I've never been too keen on making plans because it has done nothing but hurt me. I figure if you don't make plans, you can't be upset when they fall through. I've just got to learn to accept the fact that there are some things that are beyond our control. Sometimes you've just got to let life happen.

Sometimes people get things wrong.

Vision means seeing things as they are, the final product. I feel like the majority of the time I see only a piece of what's going on. It feels as if a thick fog has moved into my line of vision and all I can make out are vague shapes and shadows. It is a very scary feeling to be blind sighted, to rely soley on your feelings to pull you through. Sometimes people get things wrong, and by the time you realize this it's too late.

I have got to learn to take things for what they are or for what they aren't. I can't allow my heart to speak first or my mind to over analyze the situation. Sometimes things don't mean anything, while other times they mean everything. I don't have any idea of how things are supposed to play out from here, I dreamt up this vision in my head and the outcome was something completely different. The feelings that I allow to run rampid get me into nothing but trouble. My heart jumps to conclusions alot of the time. I feel like i'm walking around in the dark alot. I have no idea where I'm going to end up five years from now and that scares me.

Judging a book by its cover.

Nobody wants to see the bad in people, atleast I know I don't. I never wanted to blame you for things that somebody else did, to immediately lump you into a catergory of people and places that had burned me in the past, but going into things with an open mind is so hard to do. But in some weird way by not doing that I put you into a different catergory entirely. In a way I put you on a pedestal. You were an untouchable and nothing anybody could say or do could convince me of your faults. I just didn't want to hear it because I felt like if I did let the thought creep into my head it would come out my mouth. And by verbalizing my fears, it gives them life and makes them real. Looking back I think this was my biggest mistake, I set my self up. I didn't protect myself.

Let the credits roll

"In a movie theater, you look at the screen, you never look at the back. The projector is in the back. The film is not really on the screen, it is just a projection of shadow and light. The film exists in the projector, in the back, but you never look at that. Your mind is at the back of everything.

Your mind is the projector. But you always look at the screen - at the everything.When you're in love, the person is beautiful. When you hate, the person is ugly. You never become aware of how the same person can be beautiful and ugly.

The only way to reach the truth is to learn how to be immediate in your vision. The mind is the problem, because the mind projects its images on the screen you're looking at. What you see is just your projection. And there are as many worlds as there are minds, because every mind lives in his own world.

We get caught up in projecting movies of our own making onto the situations and people surrounding us. Instead of taking responsibility for our own expectations, desires and judgments, we attribute them to others. A projection can be good or bad, beautiful or ugly, disturbing or comforting, but it is still a projection that prevents us from seeing reality as it is. The only way out is to recognize the game." - Osho

forward

“Mistakes are a part of being human. Appreciate your mistakes for what they are; precious life lessons that can only be learned the hard way.” -Al Franken

We've all made our fair share of mistakes and until the span of our life draws to an end we will continue to make them. Nothing is intentional, sometimes things just happen. I never meant to fall for the wrong person and have my heart broken. I can't honestly say that you were the wrong person, because at the time you seemed best fitting. I think at one point the person we're most comfortable with or that we can even relate to on some level that stretches past physical is the person we are supposed to be with at that particular time in our lives. Whether that person is a stanger or your very best friend, it is who it is and it is what it is.

And I'm sure you never meant to break it, to grab it and take it. And as a result of my own heartache I never meant to ruin myself or anybody else. This was never a part of the plan. I am sincerely sorry that it turned out this way. I owe no explainations for my behavior. I firmly believe this, and also fully acknowledge that I am incapable of admitting/understanding the reasoning myself.

I'm an idiot for selflessness. I possess this terrible habit of trying to fix things when I'm still broken. I will willingly allow myself to suffer the blame or guilt for things that aren't completely mine. I've managed to con myself into believing that by doing this I am becoming the bigger person. I want things to be better for everybody else even when better means allowing myself to feel worse.

I never meant to become this shallow shell of a girl but here I am. I don't really know too much about myself or the person I plan on becoming but I know that I could be so much better. So this is my attempt to begin making ammends with myself, to learn from my mistakes.

fall in just as you let go

I am starting to think like a crazy person.
I am acting out because I feel worthless. I want to give away
everything that I have now so none of it belongs to you anymore.