I don't know why there is comfort in sadness

It's hard to put my finger on. I don't know why its easy to find some type of comfort in sadness.. It's just one of those things that feels right.

As much as I hate to admit it.. Being sad just feels normal. I guess I've just been feeling that way so much, its become like second nature. I know that there is a flaw in this but I can't seem to move past it.

I'm happy when I'm you. And then I think about it and I remember how we are different and I'm saddened. Saddened for my faults. For our differences. For our broken parts.

And when I'm without you the result is the same. I'm still sad. I feel fraudulent for feigning happiness in front of strangers. Granted, our relationship has grown increasingly complicated over this time and merits no explanation to anyone but us.. But I can't help but feel put off by the idea that I'm in love with a man who cares about me enough but not enough to give me a second chance.

I know that my perception of the situation is probably dramatically warped and unfair to expect an immediate change from you. I fucked up royally but can't help feeling like the punishment will never end.

It's tough to be stuck in your own mind. To feel like you have no one to confide in for sake of judgement, and shame.. Or more accurately fear for lack of explanation. All I know is that being with you makes me both happy and sad.. But happiness outweighs the sad so I'll continue to endure. I just pray for better days to come. I lose my eyes and wait for the pending resolution. Optimistic and naive I'll wait here.. Saddened in love like its normal.