empty calendar

I never imagined that I would be alone today. I know that it is beyond your control, but I always thought you'd be here with me now. Happy one year anniversary babe. I miss you so much. I love you.

Wrench in gears

It's a terrible feeling when the success you've been working so hard for seems to be drawing to a close.. the light of sabotage is shining in the road ahead and you can neither stray from your path nor prepare for the worst, it just so happens you can't do anything until it happens. It is quite unnerving to watch and wait for the worst to unfold with tied hands.

I just don't want their reputations to tarnish ours. I don't want us to be brought down by association. I want them to succeed too, I honestly do. But I don't want it to be done at our expense.

you know i can be so very good, but i am not always best.

Honestly, I must be so good at keeping stone faces because 95% of the time my under-lying emotions are unrecognizable to people (myself included). But I am finding more often than not that in my free-time, the time where I am not utterly exhausted and pouring myself into bed, I am overcome with a deep sadness. Maybe the passing of the dates has sent me into this weariness but now that it is here I feel I cannot shake this. It was our 11 months on the 17th and although most would say that we are in "the home-stretch" and that the worst is over I can't say that I can agree. It feels like now time is ticking by excruciatingly slow and this is where I need you the most. It feels like these little moments are things you're missing. And most of all what's missing is you. It's been a long and painful time. To be entirely honest I don't know how I've managed to make it this far without completely crumpling under the crushing weight of pain and loneliness. I am just that, lonely. Lonely and longing for the one I love, the one I need. I'm tired of the tears that always seem to linger and the sadness that never seems to go. I just feel like a large part of myself is missing and that with each passing day that person I used to be is getting farther and farther away. I know I can be so very good at hiding my emotions, but I am not always best. And I know that I won't be able to keep this up forever.

turn around and i don't know

It is such a let down when you realize that the people that you pride yourself on having around aren't there for you anymore. It was a strange thing running into you the other day. I don't know, since everything happened I feel like there is a wall built between us. But the funny thing is I felt like this was slowly coming upon us before the incident. The incident was just the final brick in the wall. You know I guess my brother always prepared me for this, for the comings and goings of friendships. How this was a part of life and maturing. People grow apart and that's a part of life. But more and more lately I feel like I keep turning around to find myself alone. I don't know where my friends are. It seems like they only wanna be around when it's of convience to them. Never here when I need you, but always here when it's good for you. Always down to party.

i try

I try to keep myself busy, I try to use up all my time so I'm not set on dwelling about how much I miss you. And I force myself to go out, so I don't allow myself to get comfortable with the idea of becoming a recluse. But at the end of the night I can't help but feel even lonelier than I was to begin with. I am so empty because regardless of what people I'm with, it will never substitute for you. I miss you. So much.

money matters

I hate fighting with you about money. I want to help and you know I will I just hate when you come at me with this sense of entitlement. I feel so disrespected. I fell like my stature as an adult is belittled and that you are trying to take advantage of me. Whether that is your intention or not I hate that. And what's worse is I always feel like shit afterwards. There really is no winning with you. I would just like you to ask. Or atleast be humble. Fuck, where money matters relationships crumble.

never eluded to what's really bothering you

lately i feel so tired. and i know it's not that i am exhausted physically, because i'm not. it has to do with the way i feel mentally. this is like the quiet before the storm, i mean i'm thrilled. the moment i have been waiting for is right around the corner. being reunited with my love after such a long absense is the only thing i want but i know that the wait has been excrutiatingly long and that our time together will be so brief. and i know that he will have to leave once more. i am just coping with all the saddness right now. the build that i know is going to come in floods. and i know the reason i'm doing it right now before he gets here is because i don't want to put a damper on our time because of my emotions. i know he knows i get sad but i can't let this get in the way of this precious time that we have, so i'll push it down. i am a strong girl and a good actress.

looking at yourself and not knowing who

There are times where I stop and I think and I see everything as a wash. And it was in one of these moments I see myself, not as I am but as I could be. And I feel it then then sting of good-bye. The person that I once aspired to be, my other self is fleeting. I don't know exactly but the only way that I can seem to understand it is that this is what the pursuit of happiness is. The combination of the right things, mixed with the combination of wrongs things which allows you to be who you are best. Sometimes you have to give up a part of yourself to gain the part that seems most appealing. It's sad you know? Your not unhappy your just sad for the chance of you that will never become any more developed than the idea it was in your head. It is hard to see yourself and to realize you are empty with the ideas you had so longed to be real and full of other things.

always wanting what you can't have

It's crazy the way relationships can spawn a new sense of temptation amongst people. Once people become emotionally unavailable or are "off" the market people seem so much more eager to get a piece. I don't know why people think I would ever sway from my love. I pity them for trying to blindly take and ruin a good thing. I guess people see things differently depending what side they are on, all I know is no matter what the circumstance I will never cross those lines. I love my baby and I'm too loyal and smart to buy into whatever web your spinnin' The fact that you stay persistant in the way you try to pursue, regardless of my feign of interest and constant pushing you away just makes me realize the lack of respect from other people. It's like you want me to fail. I've decided the only way to deal with it is to not, i'm just going to cut you out entirely because you can't just be a friend. Instead of supporting us and trying to be there for me as a friend while I am utterly alone you are trying to prey upon me in a "vulnerable" lonely state.. it doesn't matter though we're stronger than anything and we don't fall into traps.