four years, for years

"Is there something wrong?" - "You're damn right there is but we can't talk about it now. No, we can't talk about it now."

the silence is defeaning

“If you ask why I’m not interested in someone, I might say their nose is too big, or they don’t know how to dress, or they’re too thin or too fat or too plain. but the truth is, I only notice those things because of the real reason—that i’m just not feeling anything. but people don’t want to hear that. they always want an explanation. so I have to come up with something concrete even though feelings aren’t like that. if I did meet a guy and I felt happy with him for whatever reason, I wouldn’t give a rat’s ass what he wore or how tall he was or what he did for a living. but when i’m with someone and it just doesn’t feel right, that’s when I start noticing the bad haircut or Chicago accent or unibrow. and it’s true that tomorrow I may go home with someone who you think is totally wrong for me. and the next day I might meet a perfectly nice guy who you think I should feel excited about, but I don’t. but if I do go home with someone, it means for a change, something feels right. for a change, I’m feeling hopeful. I just want to feel happy when i’m with someone.”


I felt happy with you. If only for a moment. Perfect strangers can make you happy. Little things can make you happy. But then the clock strikes twelve and you awake from your dream world and find that everything is different. You keep waiting, thinking to yourself maybe that if you stay real still everything will go back to how it was the night before, the time before.. but it doesn't and then your just there in the silence. And the silence is deafening.

The ugly monster rears its head

Sometimes I step outside the moment and I'm just a by-stander. It feels like I'm watching a movie.. I can see myself on the brink of destruction. I want to hit the breaks but I freak out and lose control and I crash.

It is a scary thing to be so angry. I understand that my personality can be extremely volatile, I rage so hard sometimes it's frightening. Often after the red vision fades from my eyes I cry crystal blue tears and I shake from the monster I am.