Puzzled

To say that I am puzzled would be putting it mildly. I thought that this feeling would fade but here we are nearly 9 months later and I still can’t seen to get past it. Don’t get me wrong, I am so incredibly thankful for the opportunity that I have. For the ability to quit my job to pursue school full time. To have somebody in my corner who loves me and will support me to finish.

And despite all that I still find myself feeling empty. More and more I am beginning to feel like a kept woman. I have no expendable income of my own and while my needs and preferences are always taken into consideration I can’t help but feel reluctant to voice my opinion. I think that’s why I keep trying (and failing) to find a job. I need something to fill my time. To give me purpose. I don’t feel like a contributing part of our relationship and I hate it. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to grow accustomed to this feeling. For so long my identity was entangled with my job. Maybe it wasn’t a career but it was who I was and what I did that validated my feelings and status as a hard worker. And now when I find myself tired, I cant help but feel lazy. I feel like sometimes you allude to this. I do t think that it’s intentional but it’s how it feels sometimes. And we get into little arguments about being exhausted and I feel like I’m not allowed to be tired in your eyes because I don’t work. I know that getting my degree will be helpful in the long run but I am terrified o made a mistake and will always be at the mercy of others. I know this is probably all in my head but it’s all I can think about. I’m scared that it could ruin us. I don’t want that to happen. I love you so much but I’m scared that I may have invariably screwed myself.