Puzzled

To say that I am puzzled would be putting it mildly. I thought that this feeling would fade but here we are nearly 9 months later and I still can’t seen to get past it. Don’t get me wrong, I am so incredibly thankful for the opportunity that I have. For the ability to quit my job to pursue school full time. To have somebody in my corner who loves me and will support me to finish.

And despite all that I still find myself feeling empty. More and more I am beginning to feel like a kept woman. I have no expendable income of my own and while my needs and preferences are always taken into consideration I can’t help but feel reluctant to voice my opinion. I think that’s why I keep trying (and failing) to find a job. I need something to fill my time. To give me purpose. I don’t feel like a contributing part of our relationship and I hate it. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to grow accustomed to this feeling. For so long my identity was entangled with my job. Maybe it wasn’t a career but it was who I was and what I did that validated my feelings and status as a hard worker. And now when I find myself tired, I cant help but feel lazy. I feel like sometimes you allude to this. I do t think that it’s intentional but it’s how it feels sometimes. And we get into little arguments about being exhausted and I feel like I’m not allowed to be tired in your eyes because I don’t work. I know that getting my degree will be helpful in the long run but I am terrified o made a mistake and will always be at the mercy of others. I know this is probably all in my head but it’s all I can think about. I’m scared that it could ruin us. I don’t want that to happen. I love you so much but I’m scared that I may have invariably screwed myself.

Proud brings envy

Today is a cause for celebration. My love got promoted, I knew he would. I can't stress enough how excited I am for him to embark on his new journey. I am so incredibly proud of him. He is the smartest person that I know and the hardest working man. His work ethic is so incredibly amazing and he deserves all the good things that are coming to him.

And yet, even with all this good news I still find the time and energy to be sour. To ruin a good thing. I'm ashamed to say that his success has me reflecting on the lack of my own and I feel envy. I am envious of his progress, and sulking in my stoic state. Lately work has been so challenging for me. I'm just not happy anymore. It's hard for me to say that, even as I write this I can't help but feel a bad taste in my mouth. I've grown really cynical of a company I truly loved and it's all tied to my current predicament. However, as time continues to pass me by I can't help but wonder if my dismay is rooted in my own involvement in the matter. Maybe, the problem I have is with myself.

I know that I am my own best enemy and saboteur. I over analyze everything and I invent scenarios that worry me to pieces. And as self-aware of this habit as I am, I cannot for the life of me find a way to break myself from it. I want so desperately to be successful but I seldom believe in myself at all to accomplish anything. I'm terrified over school in the fall at university, my current progress at work, and the unknown of living with another friend. I'm worried it will places tons of strain on me and in turn my relationship. These next few months are so important for my love and his new role and I just want to be supportive... but I don't know if I can because I'm such a mess. A proud and envious mess.

We're concentrating on falling apart.

"Holding on to your grudge, Oh its so hard to have someone to love."

I'll find my way back

For a second there I thought my blog had been deleted.. and a slow steady panic began to take hold in my heart. Not because I have a following, I just feel like this has been my diary over the last few years and it's the only semblance of cataloged moments and painful milestones I have. This has been a place of solace. One where I could come to divulge my feelings without any type of criticism. And, I need this place. This haven. I'm glad I found my way back.

It's a sick sort of gratification to be able to relive moments through words. I've penned some of my most innocent and painful feelings on this blog. I've captured them so honestly that every time I re-read them I feel just as I did when I wrote it. I feel the pain, and the hurt. The joy, and the anguish. And I cry. I don't know if that's a good thing. It makes me worry that these things still live in my heart, and that these wounds will never completely heal. Even two years down the road here we are and I still feel myself aching.

Forget me not

It always feels like I find my way back to this right when I need it the most. You told me today that you would think after three and a half years together that I would know how you are. How talking with people can be so draining on you, and how after a full days work you need time to come home and decompress. This admission was a shocking reminder to me. While I am well-aware of your predisposition to solitude, I can't deny the dismay I feel when your need to shut the world out includes me too. It's not that I can't respect your boundaries, I just miss you so much when I'm gone. Even if it's only for a short time, a span of hours even. I just really enjoy our relationship, and I find comfort in being home together. Even if that means we are in separate rooms, engaging in completely separate activities, the proximity brings me ease.

However, after everything that we've gone through, I can't help but feel insecure about things from time to time. And as a result of this, I feed into my own craziness. I feel like we need to talk and establish some sort of a dialogue everyday because if we don't you'll become bored with the idea of me. And sooner or later you'll have no place for me in your life. I know it's a stupid thing to think, to be insecure about but it is a genuine concern I have sometimes. I know you told me that that is what happened to you and your ex. That you both started coming home and spending time separately in different parts of the house, to the point of which it felt uncomfortable to be together. I mean, I know that there had to of be other factors thrown into the mix, but I just am so apprehensive. I always seem to sabotage myself, and I don't want that to happen to us. I am hellbent on fighting for us. And I hope that my insecurities won't come back to bite me in the end.

Just please remember to forget me not.

This is the hardest thing I've ever had happen.

A job that never ends

Happiness is truly a job that never ends, atleast in my personal opinion.

Happiness isn't something that comes naturally to everyone as contrary as it may seem. Yes, being happy has a large part to do with the things we let influence us and way we respond to specific instances but the truth of the matter is happiness-chasing can be a tasking thing. Whether it is in your personal or professional life there are always going to be dissatisfying moments. We all get knocked down but the point is how we respond after that. I don't know and I have damn sure yet to master the overwhelming happiness, but I'm trying everyday and that has to count for something.