Proud brings envy

Today is a cause for celebration. My love got promoted, I knew he would. I can't stress enough how excited I am for him to embark on his new journey. I am so incredibly proud of him. He is the smartest person that I know and the hardest working man. His work ethic is so incredibly amazing and he deserves all the good things that are coming to him.

And yet, even with all this good news I still find the time and energy to be sour. To ruin a good thing. I'm ashamed to say that his success has me reflecting on the lack of my own and I feel envy. I am envious of his progress, and sulking in my stoic state. Lately work has been so challenging for me. I'm just not happy anymore. It's hard for me to say that, even as I write this I can't help but feel a bad taste in my mouth. I've grown really cynical of a company I truly loved and it's all tied to my current predicament. However, as time continues to pass me by I can't help but wonder if my dismay is rooted in my own involvement in the matter. Maybe, the problem I have is with myself.

I know that I am my own best enemy and saboteur. I over analyze everything and I invent scenarios that worry me to pieces. And as self-aware of this habit as I am, I cannot for the life of me find a way to break myself from it. I want so desperately to be successful but I seldom believe in myself at all to accomplish anything. I'm terrified over school in the fall at university, my current progress at work, and the unknown of living with another friend. I'm worried it will places tons of strain on me and in turn my relationship. These next few months are so important for my love and his new role and I just want to be supportive... but I don't know if I can because I'm such a mess. A proud and envious mess.