I'm sad a lot lately

I'm sad a lot lately.
Well it comes in waves, mostly after beautiful things or good moments. Happy moments where memories flood and I feel like time has ceased to move forward and we exist again in a place that is happy. But its hard to accept and know that you are the contributor of all your deepest sorrows. Have you ever felt like all you needed to make it right was unattainable? But despite that you are still hellbent on trying for it? Because giving up is admitting defeat. I pray everynight that it will all go back. I hate myself for ruining us. I don't know how I ever let myself stray that far. I just wish I would have been better. I pray every night and I swear it will be OK. Because it has to right.. I am sad a lot lately. And it's my own fault.

It's hard to keep pretending that everything is ok. Especially when you have to,  when you have no resources to pull to help you out of your own mess. I feel like I am always working to move forward but I very seldom make any progress. I am tired of it. Mark my words it will get better.

It's a weird place to be in. A hard place to exists, to want two things simultaneously both in different ways but in the same ways too. There are moments when we are together where everything feels a little more and then other times where it feels empty. It feels like there was so much love here at one time and it filled up all this space but now it's gone and we are a shell.. But I still feel it in memories and I remember us and I catch glimpses of it in your eyes. Possibilities of the future are waiting in the distance and I am so intrigued to move toward them but my feet won't budge. I am still lost in this. And It scares me. Everything feels foreign.