im only myself when im with you baby

I'm only bits and pieces of the person that I want to be and baby when your gone, you seem to take the best of me.

sadly

I can always count on you to bail. I wish I wasn't right all the time.


Luckily for both our sakes I'm good at keeping things to myself. If you only knew how sucky it is to feel this way you'd realize that sometimes you're a bad friend. But regardless of how true that may be you are still my best friend. You are always there for me when it counts. Even if sometimes, it seems like it only suits you best when it's convient. I have just got to remember that we are both so busy and that we've grown up so much now. And to that I'm grateful because even now we don't let that pull us apart.

fyi

This is so much more than just dating honey, and I'm not worried. You don't have a thing on us.

can't we just act like nothings wrong?

People are treating me differently now. They see me as "delicate" and "fragile". I think this has alot to do with the fact that they don't know what to make of the stuation, or that they can genuinely see my underlying displeasure. The fact that they insist on checking on me every five seconds doesn't make me feel any better, though they may be convinced otherwise.. actually, it makes me feel worse. I know that they care and are just trying to be there for me but I would just like to be left alone for the most part.

all choked up

You think by now I'd be better but saying good-bye on the phone still chokes me up.

my selfish heart

As selfish as this is going to make me sound, I don’t care. I resent having to share the last couple of days I had with you. I hated having to go out and see everybody else when all I wanted to do was be with you before you had to leave. I understand that your going now and that everybody is going to miss you too but I just don’t know, I needed you all to myself.

I hate that I was working. Time was never on our side in any of this. I’m trying so hard to be a big girl. I’ve never been one to cry but I have to admit after I dropped you off at the airport I went home and bawled my eyes out. I know that everything is going to be okay with us, for that I have no doubts. I just know that it’s going to be a long long time.. and there is no guarantee that I will be able to come out and see you one last time. I really hope that I can save enough money in time to fly out.

The only communication we have between us in via phone and internet. But between the time difference and us both working it is going to be difficult. I feel like for the next month that is what I will be sustaining from and after that I don’t know what I’ll do. I just wish this once I would have acted on my selfish impulses..

fighting for nothing

All the reasons I used to justify why I was mad at you was such bullshit. I know deep down in my heart that I was upset for things I couldn't change. Because I knew that no matter what you were still leaving in the morning when you woke up. And that hurts so much. I miss you so much already.

the quiet before the storm

I can feel it.. it is similar to how old people can feel the aching deep within their bones when the climate is going to change.. I can feel the aching in my heart.

to fall in love

"They slipped briskly into an intimacy from which they never recovered." - f. scott fitzgerald

people like you kill me

Pointing out all my flaws while screaming of my short-comings is something that should boil my blood, but the circumstances are genuine and I cannot ignore this. I do not apologize for not fitting into your neat and tidy idea of how I should be.

And as much as repulse can find a place within me, I've never met anyone like you. I am drawn to your core. I've yet to find somebody I've connected like this before.. I think it's people like you that kill me, fight this feeling and i'm still drawn to you.

pull yourself together

I feel like I'm breaking every rule I've ever aimed to keep. I never wanted to get close to anybody really. For the simple fact that, I've never been good enough to be anybody's anything. So as a means of defending myself against the worst I do everything in my power to keep people at an arms-length. I have this habit of pushing the people I hold dearest away. It is my backwards defense-mechanism. I hate this about myself.

The only way I know how to phrase it is to compare it to the way they talked about it in The Catcher and the Rye. They said: Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody." Maybe if I didn't put it out there nobody could see how much it means.

I'm trying with every fiber in my heart not to sabotage myself like I always do. Maybe it's worth missing you?

close your eyes and pull the blinds

I feel so comfortable now. In this place, with these people here in my life. It's a strange feeling for me. I've always had this extreme lack of faith in people and it has only progressively gotten worse in the past few years. But right now I couldn't imagine life without you guys.

if we evaporated into thin air who would think to look for us here?

sometimes i feel like i'm on stand-by. sitting in a waiting room and my name never seems to be called. i feel like i'm floating around. things are always coming and going and i don't know what to think about the state of the relationships that present themselves to me. in that rare moment where you find yourself between the transition of sleeping and being awake i like to imagine what it would be like if i was to disappear. if you would even notice that i'm no longer here and then i shudder to think what if my absense goes unnoticed. i am petrified with worry

demons slither

today you crept up out of the darkness and tried to swallow me whole. i lost myself that day and like a flood you came and carried me away. you take the priceless things and cast them to the gutters

ghosted revised

I tried to stand right there in your line of vision.
I tried to stand right there in your path.

But you couldn't see me, couldn't feel me any longer.
These days I'm just pale and transparent.

A ghost in the wake of our ashes.
A sad reminder of what once was.

i'm too emotional they say.

that could be so, or maybe unlike the rest of the world i like to acknowledge my feelings. i'm just a bit manic expressive, you can't keep it bottled up forever you know. i know that i'm not just going to pieces over nothing.

These are the pangs of the love(less)

Sometimes I lock myself away in my room and listen to all the saddest songs and cry. Not for anybody in particular, just because I feel like I've got so much love inside myself that at any moment i'm set to explode. I'm scared that I will never find the right person to reciprocate this feeling.

The only boys I've ever felt anything with have wanted me for all the wrong reasons. They wanted me for the allure of what bodies can do and I'm sorry but these things I can't just give away without falling into a black hole of hate with myself. I think alot of girls do this. They fall into this false appeasement. They want to be wanted so desperately, they have grown tired with hearing "Your beautiful and your time will too come.." What if everybody is wrong? What if it never does and I'm here alone and my only chance at being half-way to happy is to give myself to anybody who feigns interest? This is something that repulses me completely but sometimes it seems like the easiest way out of loneliness.. especially when your reminded of those people and places that have hurt you most. Or when you've had a few drinks in you and your breathing gets heavy. You move in close so that your speech will be heard and then your whispers turn in to the exchanging of breaths between people.

It's hard you know to feel like this, you can't help but wonder if your the only one. And of course you aren't but it sure as hell feels that way. So you wipe your tears and fall asleep and wake up feeling slightly better than the night before and you move forward with you life slowly forgetting about these suppressed fears. But they never really go away, they just lay low and creep up to bite you. And oh their teeth are sharp and how the pain sears the soul. These are the pangs of love(less).

we are silhouettes

this year will be beautiful. there's so much potential.

"every guy's a good guy with flaws"

if i had a dollar for everytime i've heard "he's a good guy" i would be rich. people always say this when they describe somebody you are reluctant to trust. have they ever thought that maybe that gut feeling that you have which is opposing you to opening your heart to him could be dead on? instead of immediately lumping every guy into the same fucked up catergory that your ex is in?

see the thing that everybody neglects to mention is what happens with "good guys". they say all the right things, and they persuade you into trusting them, into telling them things and getting closer than anyone has ever been to you. and then they absolve into thin air or they take your heart and laugh at you when it breaks.

this is for every girl who has fallen into that trap, the trap of loving somebody else. "good guys" are like a wolf in sheeps clothing, they are just waiting for the right moment to rip you to shreds. atleast with "bad guys" you already know what you heading for. you already know that there is pain ahead. you already know your heart is gonna sink, because that ship is built on faulty wood and false promises.

so the next time somebody tells me he's a good guy, i'm gonna run away screaming into the street. because every guy's a good guy with flaws, but they still play that same game with your heart. they just play it better than the rest.

new years kiss

I'm actually happy that I didn't have one this year. Honestly this might have been the kiss of death for me. I don't want to waste it on somebody just because the clock strikes midnight. It's just something nice, but all nice things fade away. It never leads to anything more than it's worth.

I'm not gonna lie though, for the last 11:11 of 2009 I almost wished for you. Out of habit not because that's what I truly wanted.