ghosted revised

I tried to stand right there in your line of vision.
I tried to stand right there in your path.

But you couldn't see me, couldn't feel me any longer.
These days I'm just pale and transparent.

A ghost in the wake of our ashes.
A sad reminder of what once was.

i'm too emotional they say.

that could be so, or maybe unlike the rest of the world i like to acknowledge my feelings. i'm just a bit manic expressive, you can't keep it bottled up forever you know. i know that i'm not just going to pieces over nothing.

These are the pangs of the love(less)

Sometimes I lock myself away in my room and listen to all the saddest songs and cry. Not for anybody in particular, just because I feel like I've got so much love inside myself that at any moment i'm set to explode. I'm scared that I will never find the right person to reciprocate this feeling.

The only boys I've ever felt anything with have wanted me for all the wrong reasons. They wanted me for the allure of what bodies can do and I'm sorry but these things I can't just give away without falling into a black hole of hate with myself. I think alot of girls do this. They fall into this false appeasement. They want to be wanted so desperately, they have grown tired with hearing "Your beautiful and your time will too come.." What if everybody is wrong? What if it never does and I'm here alone and my only chance at being half-way to happy is to give myself to anybody who feigns interest? This is something that repulses me completely but sometimes it seems like the easiest way out of loneliness.. especially when your reminded of those people and places that have hurt you most. Or when you've had a few drinks in you and your breathing gets heavy. You move in close so that your speech will be heard and then your whispers turn in to the exchanging of breaths between people.

It's hard you know to feel like this, you can't help but wonder if your the only one. And of course you aren't but it sure as hell feels that way. So you wipe your tears and fall asleep and wake up feeling slightly better than the night before and you move forward with you life slowly forgetting about these suppressed fears. But they never really go away, they just lay low and creep up to bite you. And oh their teeth are sharp and how the pain sears the soul. These are the pangs of love(less).

we are silhouettes

this year will be beautiful. there's so much potential.

"every guy's a good guy with flaws"

if i had a dollar for everytime i've heard "he's a good guy" i would be rich. people always say this when they describe somebody you are reluctant to trust. have they ever thought that maybe that gut feeling that you have which is opposing you to opening your heart to him could be dead on? instead of immediately lumping every guy into the same fucked up catergory that your ex is in?

see the thing that everybody neglects to mention is what happens with "good guys". they say all the right things, and they persuade you into trusting them, into telling them things and getting closer than anyone has ever been to you. and then they absolve into thin air or they take your heart and laugh at you when it breaks.

this is for every girl who has fallen into that trap, the trap of loving somebody else. "good guys" are like a wolf in sheeps clothing, they are just waiting for the right moment to rip you to shreds. atleast with "bad guys" you already know what you heading for. you already know that there is pain ahead. you already know your heart is gonna sink, because that ship is built on faulty wood and false promises.

so the next time somebody tells me he's a good guy, i'm gonna run away screaming into the street. because every guy's a good guy with flaws, but they still play that same game with your heart. they just play it better than the rest.

new years kiss

I'm actually happy that I didn't have one this year. Honestly this might have been the kiss of death for me. I don't want to waste it on somebody just because the clock strikes midnight. It's just something nice, but all nice things fade away. It never leads to anything more than it's worth.

I'm not gonna lie though, for the last 11:11 of 2009 I almost wished for you. Out of habit not because that's what I truly wanted.