I'm sad a lot lately

I'm sad a lot lately.
Well it comes in waves, mostly after beautiful things or good moments. Happy moments where memories flood and I feel like time has ceased to move forward and we exist again in a place that is happy. But its hard to accept and know that you are the contributor of all your deepest sorrows. Have you ever felt like all you needed to make it right was unattainable? But despite that you are still hellbent on trying for it? Because giving up is admitting defeat. I pray everynight that it will all go back. I hate myself for ruining us. I don't know how I ever let myself stray that far. I just wish I would have been better. I pray every night and I swear it will be OK. Because it has to right.. I am sad a lot lately. And it's my own fault.

It's hard to keep pretending that everything is ok. Especially when you have to,  when you have no resources to pull to help you out of your own mess. I feel like I am always working to move forward but I very seldom make any progress. I am tired of it. Mark my words it will get better.

It's a weird place to be in. A hard place to exists, to want two things simultaneously both in different ways but in the same ways too. There are moments when we are together where everything feels a little more and then other times where it feels empty. It feels like there was so much love here at one time and it filled up all this space but now it's gone and we are a shell.. But I still feel it in memories and I remember us and I catch glimpses of it in your eyes. Possibilities of the future are waiting in the distance and I am so intrigued to move toward them but my feet won't budge. I am still lost in this. And It scares me. Everything feels foreign.

It's hard to be happy when all you feel is hurt. When all you feel is confusion. It feels like I have descended into a thick fog..  You head into it head on knowing that there is no certainty of what is to come but you can't stop the track you've jumped on. That's what it feels like...  Like I am in it and I don't know what to expect on the other side. I am starting to feel nothing for anyone anymore. It scares me to think I might never feel that special way. My brother always said to tread carefully,  that after every heartbreak we love a little less whole-heartedly.  That we are a bit more guarded. I can see that now. I can feel that now.

After the fun ends

The fallacy in human nature is that we have the remarkable ability to go into things with unrealistic ideals. We go into things knowing damn well that the end result will turn out poorly,  yet we continue anyways.  It's like we are hellbent on sabotaging ourselves.

The whole thing reminds me of a night out drinking. The night begins and you are excited and you are having the time of your life,  and before you know what has happened you lose control. Your vision blurs and your judgement is questionable,  leaving you in the aftermath of chaos.  It would be a lie to wish for the foresight to go into things differntly,  deep down we always know.  I guess I just wish I would've had the strength and the tact to not be so selfish.  The problem with relationships on any level,  whether it is intimate or solely friendship based is that they are messy and people get hurt. I have been through a lot in my life but this in itself has to be the hardest thing. I feel out of touch with the person I am,  the person I am supposed to be. On the outside I am unmoved by all of this..  Completely unnoticeable. I have always had a knack for concealing my feelings but on the inside I am broken. I make it a point to stay busy. If I am busy then I don't have time to feel the pain inside. To see the hurt in everyone's eyes. The worst part in all of this is that I am the center. I am the cause and the end. And I hate myself for it. I feel weak and alone with nothing left but a bad taste in my mouth from it all. If I could say anything to fix it I would but I don't know anymore.  Everything feels like shit to me.

It's a tough place to be in

I think it's a tough place to be in. Definitely a hard position to maintain. I've been criticized for being this way, called harsh or not empathetic. I have no remorse for this of course. The whole way that I operate is with the intent to remain objective. Do I mind being an outlet for you? No. If anything I'm very open and happy to be the person you come to. To be the person you choose to share your insecurities with, the one you seek council from. However, let's not get it confused. I do not aim to embody the role of a person who will fill you with false information, who will always agree with you. I will not be your cheerleader in every instance. I guess that's the distinction between friends and real-friends. The people who maintain a sense of realness in life are often criticized for being too harsh but honestly I wouldn't want to be known as anything else. I would want to possess the same qualities that I would expect in a real friend. I want you to call me out on my bullshit, tell me how it is, and be as blunt as possible. I'm not about sugar-coating things, granted I do have my moments of reluctance. Regardless, I think it is in both mine and your best interest to be 100% honest. Honesty is the only way that I can give you the feedback that you need. I'm gonna be that person who's gonna say the shit you don't want to hear, not because I want to flourish negativity, I just want you to hear it from someone who truly cares about you and is invested in your advancement and repair. If my disposition puts a strain on our relationship because you cannot except the truth well that is unfortunate. Maybe you should not look to me any longer. You know you can only offer so much advice or provide people with the tools necessary to advice until it gets tired. The victim act and helpless nature gets old after awhile. Sooner or later you pick yourself up and move toward a different direction, or you give up and allow yourself to become stagnant. I'm sorry I'm not sorry. I can't solve it for you. You have to find it within yourself. Like I said, it's a tough place to be in. Life gets shitty. It offers no explanations and has no remorse for it's actions. It is unjust and unfair and unkind. But you have to be stronger than that. Maybe that's why I am the way I am. I've been through some shit and I know there is going to be more shit to go through. But it's all about perspective. It's about how you look at things. There's a difference between recognizing real and existing in a place of harshness and hate.. if you can't distinguish the two, then you have a long way to go.

An observation

One thing I did notice was that there was an alarming amount of lovers in the area. Whether they were true partners or lovers for the weekend as a result of intoxication was beyond me, but if I had to guess it was probably the latter.. I remember before when I would see couples it wouldn't really do anything to me. It would if anything seem interesting for a minute or even annoying at times depending on the level of PDA they are displaying. But this weekend I noticed that when I would see lovers holding and kissing each other I felt a sort of envy. This helped reinforce how much you mean to me. How happy you make me. And although I was having a great time, in the back of my mind I couldn't wait to come back home to you. You really got me good.

the luxury in loneliness

This past weekend was extremely eventful, four days in the dessert with one other female companion. Coachella was one hell of an experience and I'm so glad I went. It's weird though, in a sea of people I had no greater desire than to be by myself in the midst of it all. I like that freedom. I like being able go where I please wither having any sense of consideration for other people's desires. It's not that I am anti-social, I think I'm just extremely independent. Totally comfortable with being by myself. It reminded me a lot of myself when I was younger. Thinking back to high school and the year following graduation.. this was how I used to operate. I mean I've always been the quasi-social butterfly so to speak. People often refer to me as the link in the chain of friends, the glue or the connection. I'm the organizer of events and fun. But, honestly I have no ties or dependency in this. Granted, yes I do have my moments where I want to be out doing things but it doesn't make or break me. A lot of times going out and being around excessive amounts of people is complicated. I think it all stems from the tendency people have to be unreliable. When people make plans and don't keep them it used to absolutely kill me. It would hurt me so bad, especially when I was invested in them. And as a result of this I hate flakes. Now that I've grown up I've become more intolerant of it. Blow me off once and I'm over you. It's like Morrissey says, "In my life, why do I spend valuable time with people that I'd much rather kick in the eye?" I have no desire or need to part-take in false relationships. Maybe this is why I'm harsh. I give off this unapproachable vibe to people. They think I'm mean, bitchy, or stuck-up. Admittedly, I do posses these characteristics but it's really no sweat off my back. In my mind, the people who are truly worth my time and value to my life will look past that and work at it. I mean, nothing worthwhile comes easy, and the same thing can be said for my company. It all boils down to quality, not quantity. I'd rather have a few close people in my life, than a hundred fake fucking friends. Because when times are down you can truly see who matters by who helps you when there is nothing to gain. Those are the type of people I want in my life.

The turning point

Do you ever go back and try to think of that one defining moment? That moment that would stand out as the turning point where everything in your life changed? I couldn't pinpoint it for the longest time, I could just chalk it up to a general time-frame.. but now out of no-where I remember. Thinking back to that time, before everything. Before the i do's.. the kisses.. the commitment.. there was the innocence.. and there was the raw connection. The force that pulled me toward you. That was the turning point.. the decision that I made to not pursue you. To feign all my interest in pursuit of what I thought was then a committed relationship and the beginning of my new life. Thinking back about it all, I can't help but play the what-if game. Indulge myself even by asking the questions I've always wanted to. But now thinking about where I am, I know that I had to go through it all to get here. And I'm so happy. Don't get me wrong. I am so so happy. I just, I can't help but feel like there was a missed opportunity there. And now with the crossing of our paths in an odd way it makes me feel nostalgic. It makes me feel like it was 4 years ago. And that's strange to think that, I might be able to re-do my turning point. Choose the other option. But at what expense? It's a scary feeling. I know that there will be nothing of consequence to amount from this because I will make no action. I have no motive or desire to go down that road.. but is it wrong that I still have a desire to make place for you in my life? Even if only temporary and even if only as friends, I do want you here. I think if people were to know the circumstances of our friendship they might be skeptical about it now, but it's like you said before, you don't take the past personally. And we shouldn't. The past is the past and the past is dead. There is nothing wrong in pursuing an objective future. It's just funny how life works, and to see things come full circle years later.