Well, another year has come and gone. And every year is always the same. People start off all gung-ho; committed to being new people. To becoming bigger better versions of themselves. But in the end it's nothing but a half-assed attempt to mask their problems. A fitter body. A better social life. A new hobby. But that's not what I want. I don't want to be any better version of myself. I just want to be who I was. Who I was before everything.

I used to be a really happy person. I was content with myself. Over the years I somehow managed to let myself stray from the path. I started to feel drained and exhausted all the time and I just let life take its toll. I let the ache's and pains of life bleed into my personal life, into our relationship. I started to feel stagnant and bored and I feel like I created bigger issues. I know I have a ton to work on but so do you. And I like things better when I'm working on things with you.

For the past couple months we've been existing in a place of nots and not-nots. We are not "together" but we are also, not not together you know? It's strange. The more time passes the more I realize how much I've always cared about you. How I changed my life to be with you. And while we exist in limbo and there's no real way of knowing what is in the end or the future for us, I'm glad to have this. I'm glad to have this time together. I wish it would've never come to this point for me to learn but they say every experience is a learning one right? Hopefully it's true.

I just know that when we lay in bed at night I feel safe. I know you don't feel for me anymore like you used to but I know on some level I make you quasi-happy. You make me feel special. And when I look at you I remember all the reasons I fell for you back then.

This year I want to get back to the way it was. I wanna be happy again. I wanna be loving and let the pain and anger melt away. I'm tired of feeling tired and heavy with other people's negativity. I want to enjoy all the things that life has to off starting with you. And if that means enjoying the remaining time we have left with a smile then that's what I'll do. Because I don't want to spoil it by looking toward the end and missing the things that are going on now. Because when I feel most put together is when we are together. Now more than ever I realize the absence pushes us apart.

It hurts I'm ways I couldn't imagine. The tears could come so easy if I let it. If I think too much about it they will come and it feels like they won't stop. And then I think of you and all the pain I caused and I feel a tremendous pang of guilt and remorse. I never wanted to hurt you. I never imagined I would do that. I'm so sorry. If anything I want to spend whatever part I can this year mending fences. I don't know if it is even possible but I'm damn sure going to try. If I can make it right I want to. If I can make us right and get us back to the place we were then I will.