It's hard to be happy when all you feel is hurt. When all you feel is confusion. It feels like I have descended into a thick fog..  You head into it head on knowing that there is no certainty of what is to come but you can't stop the track you've jumped on. That's what it feels like...  Like I am in it and I don't know what to expect on the other side. I am starting to feel nothing for anyone anymore. It scares me to think I might never feel that special way. My brother always said to tread carefully,  that after every heartbreak we love a little less whole-heartedly.  That we are a bit more guarded. I can see that now. I can feel that now.

After the fun ends

The fallacy in human nature is that we have the remarkable ability to go into things with unrealistic ideals. We go into things knowing damn well that the end result will turn out poorly,  yet we continue anyways.  It's like we are hellbent on sabotaging ourselves.

The whole thing reminds me of a night out drinking. The night begins and you are excited and you are having the time of your life,  and before you know what has happened you lose control. Your vision blurs and your judgement is questionable,  leaving you in the aftermath of chaos.  It would be a lie to wish for the foresight to go into things differntly,  deep down we always know.  I guess I just wish I would've had the strength and the tact to not be so selfish.  The problem with relationships on any level,  whether it is intimate or solely friendship based is that they are messy and people get hurt. I have been through a lot in my life but this in itself has to be the hardest thing. I feel out of touch with the person I am,  the person I am supposed to be. On the outside I am unmoved by all of this..  Completely unnoticeable. I have always had a knack for concealing my feelings but on the inside I am broken. I make it a point to stay busy. If I am busy then I don't have time to feel the pain inside. To see the hurt in everyone's eyes. The worst part in all of this is that I am the center. I am the cause and the end. And I hate myself for it. I feel weak and alone with nothing left but a bad taste in my mouth from it all. If I could say anything to fix it I would but I don't know anymore.  Everything feels like shit to me.