The concensus is in

The consensus is in and all opinions put me at fault. Everyone thinks that I was the one who initiated everything. Everyone keeps commenting on how I wasn't into it or how well I cope with break ups. How I seem completely unphased. Oh yeah? You guys know the whole story. I really want to tell everyone to fuck off. But I don't because I operate under an heir of discretion. I maintain as much privacy and professionalism as possible with this because it I don't, if I start to talk about it with anyone on a level I know what will come of it. I will crumple. I will crumple into a thousand pieces and become the weakest and saddest girl I've ever been. Sometimes the best way to play it is to pretend like it doesn't matter. Keep your mouth shut and your poker face strong, while in all actuality you're dying inside.

How am I supposed to feel now?

Some days are better than others. Some days parts feel like nothing is different between us and other days difference is all that I can think about. There used to be so much love here, between us. And now it's all familiar touches and empty space. Its hard knowing that it's over and even harder acting like it's over. We walk the finest line. You're always gonna feel like my boyfriend. I'm always gonna naturally pull toward you. I don't know how I'm only just now remembering our history together. No matter what amounts or dissipates from this one thing is for damn sure, nobody will ever have anything on the connection we have. You know me so well. And I don't know that I'll ever get over the fact that I destroyed that. How am I supposed to feel now that it's over? That this is the end..? I just feel like shit, eventhough I feign indifference. I wonder if it phases you anymore. Probably not. I wouldn't put it past you. You have always deserved better than this. I've always maintained that stance. You've always deserved better than me. To be quite honest, I can't believe you put up with my shit this long. I'm selfish and difficult. Stubborn and thickheaded but all of these things show me just how much you truly love me. Or loved me. You were able to look past all my fault and my past. And honestly, I am scared shitless that nobody else will ever be able to do that. How am I supposed to feel now that I've started to realize that I may have fucked over the one good thing I had?

Milestone

A quarter of a century old today. And instead of celebrating, I'm mourning. Mourning the remains of our relationship. We used to make eachother happy and I broke that. We fell apart and I just feel so broken from everything. I feel like a glass figurine shattered and there are shards of glass everywhere. And I'm just bleeding all over from the damage. I wanted us to work so fucking bad. There was a picture of us in my heart and I just wanted us to get back to where we used to be, but you can't force a block into a pigeon hole. But damn can you blame me for trying? They say 25 is a milestone for your lifetime. I never imagined that this would've been what they meant.