te amo

I was going through my old blog posts and I stumbled upon this one that was left in draft. I guess I never actually hit publish... It's crazy to read old blogs or diaries it's like reading another persons thoughts. The mindset that I had years ago was so hopeless romantic, so love sunk. The person that I was when writing this does not exist in this world anymore. Looking back I can see how optimistic I was toward our relationship. I was so "brave new world" about it all. Quick to pour it all into this regardless of the naysayers. My how that ship sunk, honestly it was already taking on water when we left the dock.

We are here at the end of our rope and the only choice we have left is to tie a knot and hold on. We are finally starting our own little life, we have our little place and in comparison to many triumphs by our peers it seems so insignificant but to us it means the world. This is our little nest that we are building and we want to relish in it's creation for as long as humanly possible. I am proud of us. Proud of our relationship, of the fact that we are capable to sustain something that so many people, even seasoned veterans, are incapable of maintaining. I can't say that it has been an easy journey for us to get this far. The circumstances that have surrounded us from day one haven't been that of the norm. Young love and faith in us is what has helped us to weather the storm.

I sit here as I often have and I stare down at my left hand and I see the ring on my finger.. the ring that means so much to me. It is a symbol of our sworn commitment to each other, of the undying love that I have for you in my heart. It has been hard and I know that it will continue to be a struggle. To agree to be in a committed relationship, is to live your life in a way where your happiness is dependent on that of another person. Now that alone seems to be a stretch to even attempt to live by.. but to agree to be in a relationship where your happiness and physical well-being depends on that of your significant other, an other who at any given time may be unreachable and half-way across the world is entirely crazy. The second description seems to describe us a bit more accurately than the first. I mean that's what we are after all, a couple love-sick kids, crazy for one another but separated most of the time. And sometimes the weight of it all seems unbearable.

This year has taught me a lot about myself, about my pain tolerance and emotional stability. I look back and curse myself in disbelief thinking how the hell did I even make it this far? How could I have not turned into a complete and total basket-case? Or transformed into one of those love-crazed jealous women.. with suspicions for days? To be honest I don't know. I will admit that there have been a lot of nights where I was beside myself with worry, more nights than I am willing to admit to actually. Nights where I just couldn't bear to face the day alone. It's hard to go out and face the world and carry on like nothing's wrong when all you want to do is bawl your eyes out. Being with you is a lot like being in a relationship with myself. Because that is what I am most of the time, on my own.

It's strange you know, I've never felt so strongly tied to another person in my life. I've always felt so out of step with the world and with you it's like I finally found a place where I belong. Where I can be myself. It's like there is an imaginary rope linking us together, and no matter how far away somehow I'm always in touch with you. And I like that feeling of never truly being alone, when in fact I am. I've come to realizve that we've found what so many people will spend their entire lives searching for and may stumble across but may never figure it out in time. And through everything, all the pain and time spent alone I'd go through it all again just to be with you, to have you in my life. Because you are so much more than you know. You are my very best friend, the one person who knows me better than I know myself. You know exactly what buttons to push and what to say to help me through my darkest times. You make me smile and laugh. You make me angry and sad. You are my significant other in every sense of the word. You make me feel like a whole person. I love you so much and I hope you know and understand the weight of those words when i say them. So here's to us and the beautiful struggle that we have some-how stumbled into. Here's to one year of dedicating my life to you and I hope you are buckled in and ready for the ride because it doesn't look like it's ending ending anytime soon.

And it comes to light

It was a little over a year and a half ago now that I made the decision to change my life in such a drastic way. To venture out and act upon a decision that would change the way my life was for years. I remember the uneasiness I felt right before it  all happened and all the doubts and things that had led up to my final decision. I guess I've always been about sparing other peoples feelings, even to this day I still struggle with putting other people's needs before myself but I will admit it has become easier to become selfish. While managing the after-guilt is still a challenge. I still remember the scenarios that played over in my head about how everything would happen and it all kinda feels like some sort of sitcom or bad reality tv show that just keeps going. All the pre-rehearsed conversations that I had made up in my head did not prepare me for how it actually unfolded. I felt so heartless, but I can't deny that feeling of relief that I felt once I actual said what needed to be said. I was strong, I didn't cave or allow myself to be persuaded by empty apologies. I knew all those tricks to well because for the better part of our relationship that was all that I was ever given after every fight or mishap.

I've fallen all the way in

It has been a hell of a year. Many different avenues have been taken and I would've never imagined in the slightest that I would find myself here, especially after all that I've been through. This is one of the most terrifying things I've ever felt. I honestly didn't think it was possible you know? That I would ever find myself at this point but I feel it deep down in my soul and it's perfect. Even if it's temporary, even if I'm delusional that's ok as long as I can keep this. If only for a little while I'm satisfied. I stumbled and somehow managed to fall all the way in despite my fight.. And I'm so glad.

Where from here?

Things are still transitioning, but it finally feels like they are heading into a place that I very much want to be.. it's as if this direction is leading me to home so to speak. And to be clear, I just want to clarify that when I refer to "home" I don't mean my family or a place I was before, I just mean a place that is familiar. I feel like myself again. The person I used to be years ago. To be honest for awhile I felt like I had lost that. Like I didn't quite know who I was or who I was becoming. I was just cemented.

Anyways, I want to start reading again. And when I say reading I don't just mean things that are required for school or whatever, I mean for the pure enjoyment of it. The way that I used to years ago. I just finished reading Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky and I have to say I enjoyed it so much. It was always a book I wanted to read but I will admit that I never made time for it until I watched the movie a few weeks ago. It's weird you know, the way that certain song lyrics or movies or books even remind you of something you've felt. There's that moment where you think to yourself, "Shit, this is my life. This is about me." Whenever this happens I always re-read that section for or five times, just to make sure I'm not full of shit and totally off. The part that stood to me the most was towards the end when Charlie is reflecting about his life and the way that he views all the experiences that people endure. He goes on to elaborate about how it is these same experiences that shape you. It's funny because it remind me a lot of myself in high school. How I always used to say that growth is good and that vulnerability is the worst. It's scary because when you allow yourself to be completely unguarded and open to people that's when you find yourself changed the most. And it is these instances that move on to affect your life. I kind of forgot about that for awhile. Especially now with all the bullshit I've been going through and trying to get back to that place where I'm happy and rebuilding my life I need to keep that in mind more than ever. 

I think I let all the bad stuff and stressful aspects of life make me a bit cynical and I don't really like that. I'm not saying I want to wear rose-colored glasses and be in denial but it would be nice to not be so down sometimes. My favorite quote was when he says, "So I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them." ( Perks, pg 211) I want that. I want to feel okay. I just have to remember to calm down and not let myself feel so defeated all the time.