Where from here?

Things are still transitioning, but it finally feels like they are heading into a place that I very much want to be.. it's as if this direction is leading me to home so to speak. And to be clear, I just want to clarify that when I refer to "home" I don't mean my family or a place I was before, I just mean a place that is familiar. I feel like myself again. The person I used to be years ago. To be honest for awhile I felt like I had lost that. Like I didn't quite know who I was or who I was becoming. I was just cemented.

Anyways, I want to start reading again. And when I say reading I don't just mean things that are required for school or whatever, I mean for the pure enjoyment of it. The way that I used to years ago. I just finished reading Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky and I have to say I enjoyed it so much. It was always a book I wanted to read but I will admit that I never made time for it until I watched the movie a few weeks ago. It's weird you know, the way that certain song lyrics or movies or books even remind you of something you've felt. There's that moment where you think to yourself, "Shit, this is my life. This is about me." Whenever this happens I always re-read that section for or five times, just to make sure I'm not full of shit and totally off. The part that stood to me the most was towards the end when Charlie is reflecting about his life and the way that he views all the experiences that people endure. He goes on to elaborate about how it is these same experiences that shape you. It's funny because it remind me a lot of myself in high school. How I always used to say that growth is good and that vulnerability is the worst. It's scary because when you allow yourself to be completely unguarded and open to people that's when you find yourself changed the most. And it is these instances that move on to affect your life. I kind of forgot about that for awhile. Especially now with all the bullshit I've been going through and trying to get back to that place where I'm happy and rebuilding my life I need to keep that in mind more than ever. 

I think I let all the bad stuff and stressful aspects of life make me a bit cynical and I don't really like that. I'm not saying I want to wear rose-colored glasses and be in denial but it would be nice to not be so down sometimes. My favorite quote was when he says, "So I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them." ( Perks, pg 211) I want that. I want to feel okay. I just have to remember to calm down and not let myself feel so defeated all the time.