Sometimes I lock myself away in my room and listen to all the saddest songs and cry. Not for anybody in particular, just because I feel like I've got so much love inside myself that at any moment i'm set to explode. I'm scared that I will never find the right person to reciprocate this feeling.
The only boys I've ever felt anything with have wanted me for all the wrong reasons. They wanted me for the allure of what bodies can do and I'm sorry but these things I can't just give away without falling into a black hole of hate with myself. I think alot of girls do this. They fall into this false appeasement. They want to be wanted so desperately, they have grown tired with hearing "Your beautiful and your time will too come.." What if everybody is wrong? What if it never does and I'm here alone and my only chance at being half-way to happy is to give myself to anybody who feigns interest? This is something that repulses me completely but sometimes it seems like the easiest way out of loneliness.. especially when your reminded of those people and places that have hurt you most. Or when you've had a few drinks in you and your breathing gets heavy. You move in close so that your speech will be heard and then your whispers turn in to the exchanging of breaths between people.
It's hard you know to feel like this, you can't help but wonder if your the only one. And of course you aren't but it sure as hell feels that way. So you wipe your tears and fall asleep and wake up feeling slightly better than the night before and you move forward with you life slowly forgetting about these suppressed fears. But they never really go away, they just lay low and creep up to bite you. And oh their teeth are sharp and how the pain sears the soul. These are the pangs of love(less).
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